bethofalltrades | (no subject)

My fever broke yesterday. It had been a year.

My heart has a specific rebuilding process when it's been broken. First, I stop eating. Not on purpose... I just can't stand the feel of food in my mouth when my heart is broken.

After a while, I start eating again. That's about the time I stop crying. By then, a dull calm has descended over me. The heart stops aching and is simply comatose. A low grade fever settles in. I resume normal life. I look normal. I act normal.

Something is missing. At that point, I am five steps back from my life. I can see it and hear it, but it doesn't touch me. I am uninvolved in my life. I eat, but I cannot sleep.

The heart coma lasts as long as it needs to. The swelling goes down and the heart wakes up. The trauma and coma have left a thick crusty layer of scabs around the heart. Nothing gets through. I am then two steps from life, surrounded by a thick membrane of protection. It's warm. The fever grows.

By then I am close enough to normal that I can play act at connection. I kiss. I have sex. I go home and lay awake, wondering what is so broken in me that I cannot get out of my head when I do these things.

The heart, of course. The scabs fall off. The membrane thins. The things inside me and the things outside me almost have a chance of meeting. They see each other, doh see dohing on dark street corners.

At this stage, I get frustrated by the membrane. The fever makes me restless and achy. I miss love. I itch, like the skin under the cast you're getting off tomorrow.

Then all of a sudden, something shifts and the barrier between me and life bursts. The world rushes in.

--

My hands are covered in paint.

I've spent the past six hours creating a... thing. For a person. A girl.

I don't do this normally. Arts and crafts are not my thing. I typically follow a pattern of getting VERY into something, buying all the stuff to do it, and then giving up when my product is lackluster. See also: jewelry making, stained-glass, painting, sculpting, sewing and silk-screening.

Yet somehow I am not deterred. It occurred to me earlier today that I wanted to make ART for this girl. And so I am.

This is an impulse I haven't felt in many many months.

It makes me happy and hopeful.

Love,
Beth

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hi.

I know I don't comment that much and mostly just lurk here,

but I wanted to say:

I've been in a similar state for over a year now. And I was on the verge of losing hope of ever fully recovering. But today, something seemed to change. And at first, I thought that it was just the beginning of yet another slow, drawn out process of striving forward. But by the end of my night, I suddenly felt like I had pulled completely away from my own insecurities and heartbreak for the first time in years. It is hardly conquered, but it is behind me now. Now all I've left to do is live, love and create.

Shortly after I made this realization, I decided to jump on livejournal and check my friends list one last time before I went to bed. And this was the first post I was greeted with.

I know I might as well be a stranger, but I couldn't be happier for you.

We are on the verge of something great. Take it and run. I wish you all he luck in the world.

We deserve this.

We do deserve this. And I am proud of us.

(Thank you for saying hello.)

Ah! Awesome. We need "dish" time. xoxox

Congratulations on getting through this through 'art therapy' :) I find creating very theraputic. Some days I think it would be good for me to be locked away for a short while, with crafting tools, my camera and the internet. Taken away from people and pressures so I can learn to appreciate everyone around me again.

Like you, I've tried different arts and crafts, as a child I was always sticking, gluing, writing, drawing, painting, sculpting - but I was never as good as I wanted to be. I've got boxes of 'craft' materials and have tried making fascinators, sock monsters, fimo jewelry and creatures, beaded jewelry, scrapbooking - and the boxes pile up and up and up. For a while I tried drawing and painting but nothing satisfied. I trawl Etsy, drooling at some of the crafty goodness on there and wish I could be half as crafty as others.

As long as you're getting joy out of the creative process that's what counts I guess.

Why do you always post things that strike a chord with me? Stop it!!!!!

I thought I'd take this sneaky opportunity to say 'thanks again' for everything with the Amanda gigs - I was really pleased with my shots from both shows :) You'll be getting something in the post, it should be on its way, to say 'thank you'. I hope you like.

I didn't realize you were you! I got the something in the mail and squealed like a little girl. THANK YOU. I opened the box with much joy.

I hope I will continue to post chord-striking things. It's my greatest joy, to post something and have someone else say, "YES I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY."

aw hun - I'm so glad you got it and liked it!!!!
:)

I thought it was so cute ... hee hee

yes, it's me. using polstarphoto as my name on lj wasn't sensible really as I wasn't really posting about my photography!

and keep up with the chord striking - it's really great to find someone on the same wavelength a lot of the time :)

very descriptive and accurate. I'm glad you are feeling more yourself.

here is something i found around the internet i thought you might find amusing
http://www.suck.uk.com/product.php?rangeID=15&catID=9

You have the most beautiful words.

Not giving up is a good thing. I had ways of torpedoing my relationships in certain ways. When I met the women who I'd later married, I was determined not to let go, not to quit and not to fall back on comfortable patterns that led in the past to failure.

Keep at it. Plus, if things don't work out, you'll have Art and the ability to impress others later on! =)~

This gives me hope.

I am going through this right now. It's been about 5 months, I moved past the inability to eat phase, but I still can't sleep. My heart is comatose, and I've felt like it's just always going to be this way.

It fades. I was sure after this one that it wouldn't, but... time. Time.

They say it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over it. For me, it sometimes takes longer. Much longer. The heart heals at its own pace.

... and they say the heart has no memory. Lies.

Love is art is love.

Congratulations, renewal is a beautiful thing.

<3

This entry pretty much captured EXACTLY how I feel after getting my heartbroken.

A few days ago, my fever broke so to speak.
That world-rushing-in feeling is exhilarating and terrifying...but I'm welcoming the rushing,so it's all good.

Cheers to use and our no longer comatose hearts.

Welcome the rushing! I had forgotten how good it feels.

Cheers to fevers breaking and awake hearts. :)

I want to inspire someone that much.

I want to be inspired by someone that much.

I have found that I have had both... but never in the same person. If it's ever mutual inspiration, I'm heading for Vegas and wedding bands post haste.

I'm really feeling this heartache post right now. I'm still in the not eating phase...

Reading this... helped.

Thank you.

I am glad.... it's wonderful and strange how similar human beings are. I always worried that I was the only heartbreak anorexic out there.

(I just added you to my FL-- there's an update to this post that you might find... hopeful, but it's friendslocked.)

I think I've already added you but I'll check on that...

I miss you.