(no subject) [bethofalltrades]

I feel as though I have perhaps been drunk for several weeks.

As if the clouds that envelop my brain are just the residue of too many margaritas on one of those warm summer Sundays.

How strange, then, to wake up at 1AM in my apartment, with the cat snuggled close against the encroaching chill.

I wonder where September went.

I wonder where summer went.

I wonder where spring went.

The last I remember it was winter. I was wrapped in my long purple coat, already ill-fitting, with a gray hat that did not match. I was taking photographs. My feet went numb at the shoot outside the old synagogue. We drank coffee in the McDonalds down the street and I picked at someone else's french fries.

I miss the sun already. I want the sun and sandals. I want Texas in June, I want the relative chill of Michigan on the Fourth of July.

I want Kyle upstairs and Neil downstairs and Amanda playing her ukelele in her underwear in the middle of the night. I want cigarettes with Steven on the steps and I want wine with Becca on the steps and I want homemade beer with Noah and Chelsea on the steps. I want those steps.

I want room service on my birthday in that hotel room in Oklahoma City. I want sitting beside the bus drinking Coronas with the crew. I want the Crocodile Lounge and saying "Fuck you" to my old life. I want crying on the Chinatown bus.

I want leaving home.
I want coming home.
I want home.

I want real, hard work that leaves you bone tired and able to sleep. I want sweat. I want fresh tattoos and planes (but not at the same time). I want London. I want sunburn. I want running through Symphony Hall barefoot, feeling like some strange fairytale heroine in my fancy dress. I want the belt that broke in San Diego.

I want the pictures I didn't take because I was trying to live in the moment. I want the moments I didn't live because I was too busy taking a picture. I want dirt.

I want the new friends I can barely count and the old friends I can barely believe and all the friends I barely see. I want the economy to mend. I want new email. I want new love. I want a maid service to come clean my apartment. I want to get my nipples pierced.

I want to be held. I want reassurance that getting older isn't fatal-- even though it always is. I want beauty and love and truth and everything about it that's ugly.

I want I want I want.

And that's all.

I hate the fall.

Love,
Beth

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Noodles and broth on the Manhattan side of the Manhattan bridge.

[link] [reply]

Getting older isn't fatal--it's the only thing worth living for.

I love autumn. It's beautiful. And it's movement. Things are changing, things are coming, things are on their way. All the things I love are ahead- costumes at Halloween, long hours reading under warm blankets, the wonderful cold of snow. And the first bits of spring. All waiting ahead, and autumn is just the start of the cycle, and it's beautiful to me.

And I don't get autumn this year. I'm stuck in Phoenix, and it's still 100 degrees when I go out in the afternoon, and the trees are never going to drop huge, wonderful piles of brightly colored leaves to walk through. More than any other time of the year, the weather here just reminds you how static it is. I hate this town so much right now, it's my least favorite time of year here.

So, um, want to trade?

Every year I have hopes that it will not rain on my birthday. I always end up saying: okay, maybe next year then. My birthday is on the 15th of October.
Last year, I said "fuck it" to my birthday rain and played miniature golf in the downpour. Turned out to be the best time of my life.
Point of this story: Sometimes the worst situations make the best memories.
I've been following along with your past entries, and I send you warm fuzzies, best wishes, and what little advice I can come up with.
Hope Amanda's foot gets better really soon, too. :)
-kym

and so we join the world in a chorus of "where the fuck did the summer go?"

a timeless classic.

All I Want by the Violent Femmes would be a good song to listen to right now.

You have some really good lines in this entry - my favorites:

"I hate the fall." (for the double meaning)

"I want reassurance that getting older isn't fatal-- even though it always is."

"I want the pictures I didn't take because I was trying to live in the moment. I want the moments I didn't live because I was too busy taking a picture."

I especially like the line about getting older being fatal, in fact, it's inspiring me to use as a prompt for a poem. If I write it, I will let you know, or better yet, send it to you with more keys. I was in a store today and I saw a keychain of a key - oh the irony, and immediately thought of you. I wasn't sure if it's what you're looking for for your project, but the next time I'm back there I'll pick it up for you. I'm missing Amanda's upcoming NYC show, but I'm sure there will be some time in the future that we will meet, and when that day comes, I shall bring you some more keys and some Heineken, for Cinderella of course. ;)

I asked the 'box for suggestions to go for my 21st birthday in NYC, someone, (I don't think it was you, I think it was Emaline) suggested the Crocodile Lounge because of pizza with beer and probably an arcade machine in the back. I'm guessing this is still a place to check out?

I love that you sign every blog with a "Love, Beth" as if you were writing a letter - a letter to yourself to document the now, or a letter to release into the wind (as now your entries are often public). It's so rare for people to end emails, messages or even letters with "Love, [name]" and reading it at the end of your blog with each post is a nice reminder... Love.

I look forward to each of your posts because they're very insightful and thought provoking. I feel very empathetic to this particular entry because I too have written (many) stream of conscious pieces detailing what I want (even without knowing exactly what I want). And although I discovered your blog through the infamous blogging war of different fandoms, I never read it as "Beth the Assistant" (with the exception of you writing about Amanda's foot before posting the article). See, the funny thing is, I knew who you were on the shadowbox before I knew you were the Beth that Amanda was referring to (in my interview with her or her blogs), not until you changed your name from girlwithacameranyc and Kyle pointed out your LJ. Acknowledging how much I enjoy your entries (for their substance and not the your association to AFP) is important, to me at least. I hope my comments aren't annoying, your entries are just engaging.

Anyway, I'm certain that you are aware of the duality in everything - particularly the way you write about your experiences from the past year or so. Time flies when you are extraordinarily productive or happy. Hindsight is 20/20. Time also fast forwards when you reflect on some really bad experiences too. Keep your head up above water to get through the now. Sometimes you really need to stop and think, and sometimes you shouldn't stop at all but you should keep moving forward. Your remark about living in the moment vs. taking a photograph to document the moment is so relevant. What would the picture mean? What would it remind you of? Would the memory be genuine even though you were distracted trying to capture it?

And to conclude as I began, some more Violent Femmes

I don't know what one means by happy
I'm happy spasmodically
If I eat a chocolate turtle I'm happy
When the box is empty I'm unhappy
When I get another box
I'm happy again
Happiness is a word for armatures

I, too, hate the fall.

It just reminds me of death, of hibernation, of things slowing down. The cold is not conducive to running around in underwear, getting shit done. Cigarettes feel harsher when mixed with cold air and shivering makes me feel like I'm sick.

But it's also a necessary change. If life were perpetual summer, things would burn out way too fast. It's a time for reflection and careful planning for the future. And one of those reminders that come rain or shine, there are things to be done and that you can do it. It's a challenge that we can all rise to.

Or maybe we should run away to the tropics.

See. You keep coming back to you needing to be in Australia. We have more sun than you know what to do with. Guaranteed sunburn.

Just an observation.

Today is my 27th birthday and i think your post summed up some of the stuff i've been trying to put into words since 6am.Thank you :)

I am glad September is over with. It's been a terrible month for me and I look forward to a month-long celebration of Halloween.

Time moves much more quickly as you get older because your life is stretched out. When you are 5 years old an hour seems like forever, at 15 it seems slightly shorter, at 25 it's like 15 minutes and I am certain at 55 it seems like 5 minutes. It's all relative..... I say that all the time to explain things to people that really I know very little :)

The fact that your summer was a blur is confirmation that it was time well spent. Reading your post, I was thinking "but Beth.. you have or have had most of these things, and will probably get a large percentage of the rest." Let's hope you get the mending economy.
Life has a tendency to sneak up on you, but just think of the memories you are creating, and not just for yourself! Think of the people that this adventure has allowed you to touch. Think how many people love you.
Embrace the fall Beth. Curl up with the kitty and some cocoa, and watch the leaves change and fall. There is just as much beauty in death as life sometimes, and we all need a moment to catch our breath.
Love,
Jennie

the only thing worse
than getting older
is
not
getting older.

I want Beth to be happy.

I want a pony.

I want a pony to make Beth happy.

I know how you feel about wanting to get on with life. :( Wanting all the things that have made you happy over the years. The only thing on par with dealing with tragedy is dealing with a feeling of emptiness.

I hope you push through it. I have a feeling that you're not the kind of person to be brought down easily.

We had luncheon in the dining-room, darkened too against the heat, and drank down nervous gayety with the cold ale.

"What'll we do with ourselves this afternoon?" cried Daisy, "and the day after that, and the next thirty years?"

"Don't be morbid," Jordan said. "Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall."

"But it's so hot," insisted Daisy, on the verge of tears, "and everything's so confused. Let's all go to town!"

Her voice struggled on through the heat, beating against it, molding its senselessness into forms.

amen.

excpet for, I love fall. just not in this town I´m stuck in right now. I need to be home to run across the beach with a huge storm in my back. this year I just get to trumple into dirty puddles when I´m late for school. I want to see my friends and my family.

Can you tell Amanda Have to drive is continuously saving my and one of my friend´s life these days and thank you?

Love, Ella.

♥

you can have those steps whenever you want.

I love the fall. It's my favorite time of year. I love the colors of the leaves. The warm afternoons and cool nights. Cuddling under my blankets with a good book and a cute cat. Apple Cider. Pumpkins. The smell of leaves burning. The acorns launching missle attacks on my house. Deer. I love big bunchy shirts to hide in. Scarves. Hot chocolate. Tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Halloween.

I will gladly give you my summers for all your falls. Heat makes me nauseous. The sun burns my flesh. The sun is too bright. The humidity is suffocating. Just let me know where to meet you for the trade off :-p

"I want reassurance that getting older isn't fatal-- even though it always is."

NOT getting older is fatal FASTER!

I get the hate for fall. I especially get the gradual descent from hate into mere apathy for the fall that I see a lot of fall-haters go through. Fall is good for apathy, which is one reason I get the hate for fall, which is ironic, too, since the hatred engendered by the apathy is often consumed by and transformed to the very thing which created it. Which brings us to Reason Two I get the hate for Fall: the circular thinking...Spring is all moment-to-moment, Summer forward-driven. Winter reminisces about the bounty of Spring and Summer. Fall is worried for the future and troubled by the past, never knowing what to fret over and so never doing. And, yes, in never doing, it is always wanting (as you seem to have noticed). So, I get the hate for fall.

"Get" as in "understand," rather than "acquire."

Despite the understanding, though, I love Autumn. The little things, like overcast skies, pregnant with the promise of environmental slumber and relaxation...like climbing a tree and being able to see, unobstructed by leaves, the vast expanse of not-quite-frigid chill settling about. The people, bundled to the point that appearance isn't flaunted but not so bundled as to be inaccessible; fall people aren't so cold to be in a hurry, but the aforementioned apathy does mean they aren't all wrapped up in whatever they're doing, so fall seems externally friendlier to me, even if the introspection is more brutal (perhaps beacause..?). And, to be quite honest, I love the advent each year of scarves. Not to mention flannel bathrobes.

T tells me we may well see you soonish...there's a want, fulfilled, even if it is fall.

"I want reassurance that getting older isn't fatal-- even though it always is."
Well, you know my eventful summer. Sometimes when it seems it SHOULD have been fatal, it isn't. And thus, we "keep on keepin' on" (a phrase from my 60s past). So-from an old(er) person to a much younger one, let your light shine, and dare the world to snuff it out! Your life, and the way you choose to live it, in the here and now, makes this old broad stand up and cheer!

bethofalltrades

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December