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posted by [personal profile] bethofalltrades at 03:33am on 12/03/2009 under , , ,
My mother says, why don't you post, you had such an interesting weekend. I blinked into the darkness of my room and asked, "Why do you say that? What did I do?"

I honestly could not remember what I did four days ago.

I saw Margaret Cho in New Jersey with Amanda's manager Emily and her interns Kristan and Katrina (yes, the same Katrina who accompanies me on bagel adventures.) That was good. Em rented the car and I drove and on the way we talked mostly about work. Said hello to Margaret afterward, and met Ian Harvie and Selene Luna, both of whom are hilarious and friendly. Wore a vest and a jacket and jeans and looked the gayest I've ever looked. Wore my glasses and looked like my mother.

The night before that I met Olga at the airport, where she had a seven hour layover after having been refused entry to the UK. She'd been traveling for more than 30 hours. I took her to a diner and we talked about life.

A few hours before that I saw the umbrella girl. She sat on my couch and we ate chinese food and I was not the least bit breathless.

Two days after I saw the umbrella girl I hung around Books of Wonder to hug Neil Gaiman. His father had just died and he signed for seven hours anyway. I met his assistant Kat who is pretty much who I want to be in ((insert inoffensive number of years.)) We compared key tattoos. She has fantastic style. So I hung about and ran into Nathen and chatted and eventually everyone left and I hugged Neil and then I left.

KT and I went to a bar where you get free pizza with every beer and I had three after little sleep and got confessional, like I do, and inquisitive, like I do. She paid for the cab ride home and most of the beer. We hugged a lot.

I live in the same house with her and yet sometimes the distance is broad. I am so caught up in my work that I forget that there is life beyond it. And then Neil Gaiman's father dies and I hover around the edges of a book signing and I remember: oh. Humans. Be human.

I talked to Dakota about my lack of crushes. I bemoaned it. I told her that I am not FEELING and I want to be FEELING and God bless her she did not remind me that the last time I was FEELING I nearly destroyed my career by drinking too much and being dramatic.

Tomorrow I am going with Katrina on an adventure--- she is getting a tattoo from Joy, who did my nemo perit and touched up my key. Friday I'll be in Boston. Saturday I'm back in New York for a celebration of David's birthday. Sunday we're celebrating KT's. Monday I get on a plane to Austin, TX.

I am still struggling with balance.

I tried to do a handstand tonight and could only get one foot off the ground at a time. I think there's a metaphor there. Fear is the lead weight in my heels.

I keep dreaming about fire. In one dream, I burned papers down to my hands until they blistered. In another I crashed a car and it went up in flames, then ran into a nearby building that caught fire spontaneously too. My companion in the dream pleaded with me to make things okay and I held up my hands-- both completely engulfed. Last night it was a plane on fire.

I have been doing truly shitful tarot readings recently. I counted the cards and there were only 77. The eight of cups is AWOL. I'll replace the deck tomorrow. It's good to have a reason for repeatedly missing the mark.

Life is strange. Beautiful too, but strange.

It's worth mentioning that a good woman died three nights ago. Her name was Jennifer and I didn't know her very well, but she was an important member of the Dolls/AFP community. She encouraged young artists. She provided support and feedback and love. There are a lot of people missing her now.

There are 13 comments on this entry. (Reply.)
brinshannara: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] brinshannara at 08:59am on 12/03/2009
You live a life that is so completely different from mine, that it's hard to fathom.

That said, I bemoan my lack of crushes, too.

One day, we'll have crushes and be unable to shut up about them and people will threaten to hit us if we don't stop and we won't stop and they'll hit us and that will be perfectly fine with us because we have imaginary arms belonging to [name of crush] to hold us at night.

I hate trying to get to sleep and not having anyone to imagine holding me as I fall asleep. No one. What madness is this?!
posted by [identity profile] at 09:35am on 12/03/2009
Jennifer was a wonderful woman, a beautiful soul, and her passing on brought me back into feeling emotions. i hadn't cried in at least eight months, and just when my life was starting to get back on track, i read about her death in the poems thread and then in the thread dedicated to Jennifer. I have been balling on and off ever since then...She was my internet mommy, giving me advice about life in general. She was there through a lot of the really bad times in my life. I'm glad that my emotions came back to grieve for her, but like she said to me one time...

"these last weeks have just Sucked. Sometimes that happens, so I stab a Carebear with a knife and move on. (that was a joke, as I don't have a Carebear)"

wonder why i loved her?
she loved amanda too, and the dolls/amanda's albums were so important in her life. she was so excited to see amanda's show in new york last summer.

i'm glad that so many people had the opportunity to get to know her, through the shadowbox and otherwise.
posted by [identity profile] at 12:07pm on 12/03/2009
I just want you to know.... one's inability to do a handstand in their 20s shouldn't be looked at as a metaphor for the inability to let go or to stay weighted so much as it is the body saying "hey, ass. You are not an age that consists of single digits. If you fall down things will break. You will not bounce up like an 8 year old"

posted by [identity profile] at 12:38pm on 12/03/2009
You weren't that off, with me. What I refuse to acknowledge is a very different thing, but, just yesterday I was thinking, should I go do something because a tarot card told me to do it? I just might.

I am in the process of reaching out with my fingers and touching people in my life as well, to make sure that they haven't suddenly gone somewhere while I wasn't paying attention.

Thank you for the mention of Jennifer. "She encouraged young artists. She provided support and feedback and love." Those aren't the only similarities between the two of you.
posted by [identity profile] at 12:48pm on 12/03/2009
I can't teach you handstands, but I can teach you to cartwheel. or acrobalance, a little bit. i can also introduce you to circus, who can teach you anything you want.

Circus who, now I stop to remember, choreographed a poi routine to AFP's missed me in 2005.

metaphors for life. The universe is throwing poop at me, Bethbaby, and I do not like it one bit. I resent it. And I know it isn't really any kind of message, it's just coincidence and I think that makes me madder.

I have bad dreams lately. I miss you.
posted by [identity profile] at 01:00pm on 12/03/2009
Damn, you might be as busy as me. (Actually, I think you are even busier, which I cannot fathom.)

Remember people. Art is important, of course, but people keep you grounded.

(I say this, because sometimes I need to remember it too. Though art is not what gets in my way...)
posted by [identity profile] at 01:46pm on 12/03/2009
I don't have anything to comment really. Just wanted to send you a distance hug.
posted by [identity profile] at 04:52pm on 12/03/2009
KT and I went to a bar where you get free pizza with every beer
Crocodile? o how fun times were had there before you left for tour last year :-)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:03pm on 12/03/2009
all my dreams lately have been involving fire too. i don't know why, it sucks though, cause i am very scared of it, as someone tried to set my hair on fire a couple of years ago.

thanks for the mention of jennifer, i didn't really know her, but i have friends who did, so i know it is greatly appreciated.

if i ever end up in new york, i will personally teach you handstands, even though you don't know me =D

(it took me 3 times to spell my own name right here)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:37pm on 12/03/2009
Lucky you for meeting Kitty.
Now why would Olga be denied entry into the UK is completely foxing me. She's been living there for some years already...
posted by [identity profile] at 07:25pm on 12/03/2009
"who is pretty much who I want to be in..."

I'm not going to lie, I thought the parentheses part was going to make that a dirty joke.

Pizza with beer? That's the Crocodile Lounge, right? I keep hearing about that place. I'll have to go some day and see what the hype is all about.

It's strange how life can be distracting... from - you guessed it - life. And it's even stranger how the people we are closest too - in proximity and even in terms of an intimate mental/emotional level - can either grow a part, or just be strangers. The wall needs to periodically be chipped away. You can't ignore it's existence, though it is easily to be oblivious to it.

Fire - something about transformation, creative energy, emotions - Does this apply?:

Very well articulated thoughts about Jennifer. I share the same sentiment. Amanda's reply in the thread about her death was beautiful, thank you for passing on her poems to her. I think Amanda's acknowledgment of not just Jennifer and her poetry but how tight knit the community is something we should always remember, respect and encourage. Even when we have spammers and trolls infiltrating the shadowbox.
posted by [identity profile] at 01:30pm on 13/03/2009
i would like to give you a key or two when you are in austin.
posted by [identity profile] at 05:02pm on 13/03/2009
they say opposites attract. not just in love, but in friendship and business as well.

since AFP has been on tour she has blogged about her drowning dreams.

now you are dreaming about fire.

water and fire are opposites.

i think it's just a case of missing each other, yes she is your boss, but she's your friend as well.

that's my 2 cents.



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